Sunday, December 30, 2007 . 12:27 PM

My cast is removed, but i still can't walk properly and finally i can get back some control over my own life but that's the hard part i guess.
There were many things i planned for this holiday, that i never did get to do. This year was really interesting, many things happened that changed my perspective completely, and made me want alot more out of my life than what I have. And when the holidays came I had alot to look forward too. I really wanted to use this holiday to move on, and i was more than willing to leave certain people or certain things behind. I never liked change but then when it seemed like it was all starting to work out, I had to go fracture my ankle. It's really frustrating because there were things that I just started on and things that I was psyched to get started with and it wasn't easy for me to get over some of my own issues. And new stuff, they don't have any strong foundations to stop them from crumbling, so they just crumble. And I don't even get to go back to square one and start over again, I go further back than that. What really gets to me is the unfairness of all of this. Why is it that when I finally make some progress, this happens. I was quite relaxed when i was in a cast. No one had any expectations of me and I didn't expect myself to do anything either. Yet when I finally get to remove my cast I start hating how I never moved on from when I fractured my ankle. All the expectations come back, much much much worse than before. Because now I have to worry about recovering as quickly as possible, and to do more than a month's worth of catching up. Before the whole fracturing my ankle thing, I used to think that as long as do my best for something, I would be able to acheive it, and even if i don't, I would be satisfied. But now I'm not so sure anymore. It could be easy to recover from this though, but that's not in my own hands.

Monday, December 10, 2007 . 11:07 PM

Should've blogged a long time ago.
I blog about silly things but don't blog about something blogworthy like fracturing my ankle. Must admit it's not a very bright and shiny topic to blog about. I'm currently wasting away every precious second of my life at home. This is the worst holiday of my life i swear. This sucks cause perpetually staying at home feels like the whole world is out there spinning around and everyone's caught up in their own stuff and im at home doing absolutelyfrickingnothing. This feels like prison. Okay it's kinda relaxing to not have to think of anything or have to do anything, but this is bordering on being a vegetable.

Yeps whatever, I think I'm sposed to get something out of this whole leg in a cast thing. But it's so boring that my senses are overwhelmed by boredom. okay i can't think of anything else but boredom. And that of course, it's not fair that this is happening to me. But then again, many people have it worse. Sitting around in the house for the past 3 weeks have been getting to me, i'm just afraid that I wouldn't recover from this. An entire month is precious time lost for going out with friends, for training, for catching up on fun. That might sound ridiculous but yknow there's just this fear that after I get back to my friends, we wouldn't have the same camaraderie. And of course there's the obvious fear that my leg would not recover its strength. Okay actually i have the answer to that already. Doc said my ankle would regain its original strength in 9months. that's damn screwed.

And about squash, I just don't want to think about it. Just thinking about all the work that has to be done after i remove my cast so that i can resume training. It'll take really long just for my leg to be strong enough to resume training, and that's just light training. I haven't been giving it much thought, but theres alot of stress. Maybe it stress that i put on myself, maybe it's simply the responsibility. At least I've learnt recently, that there's nothing to prove. I need to be able to look back and know that I've done everything I can, and that'll have to be enough for everyone.

I think I realize now that I've never been appreciative. I don't appreciate the things that I have, but I dwell on things that I don't, and I spend too much time being miserable about what I don't have. Then there's the thing about feeling unappreciated. It's stupid to want reciprocation or acknowledgement for the things I do. Because I know I'd do it all the same. And when people are apathetic, I shouldn't feel that I have the right to be apathetic too. It's not something that should be passed on. Like how i shouldn't feel that i have the right to be cranky just cause im in a cast.

In retrospect, there are alot of things that I can learn from being in a cast. like discipline, acceptance, emphaty, tolerance etc etc. and hopping.