Thursday, November 15, 2007 . 9:52 AM

I have new resolutions!
I'm going on a diet, yep. I'm going to eat more healthily, and cut down on sugar and fried food, but I'll allow myself plenty of exceptions
And I'm going to be less lazy and start doing some running. I must be the single laziest person on earth. Mere handphone alarms and my mum just can't wake me up anymore. I've perfected the art of sleeptalking my mum to leave me alone. She'll ask me to get up cuz I'm late for trng and I'll tell her that I've decided not to train today. And she'll say you can't just decide like that and I'll tell her yes I can I'm not training today. Then I continue sleeping like a big fat pig. That happened like, today. But at least I trained alot ystrday, okay I didn't. i just spent alot of time at hume, but that doesn't necessarily equate to training alot. And I'm aching all over and my flu has made a comeback.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007 . 12:36 AM

Today was kinda cool.

Went out with jnrs to sentosa after trng, which was impromptu.

Somehow whenever i go to sentosa it's always impromptu, planning just seriously doesn't work.

And i lost my shoebag but caught a flu. Or actually, i had a flu since chalet, but it worsened today i guess. Then went to watch gameplan, haha i have no idea how the jnrs can find it hilarious, imo it's kinda boring. But it was fun cuz the jnrs were fun haha. They are like total camwhores. seriously. They should consider a career in photography or err modelling (but that would be terrifying)

Anyway, I shall kope a photo from the jnrs' blog since I find this photo really funny cuz of what hui tianyi is doing.




Haha michellekwek uploaded so few photos on the blog la, i rmb her taking much more photos.

Went to meet Brenda after that and it's been such a long time since we've really talked. Talking to her feels good because our lives don't really involve the same things so we feel free to tell each other anything and everything. It's nice to talk to her, but our dinner kinda became a chatting session comparing our misfortunes, which i must admit, mine pale in comparison to hers. Aww, cheer up brenda!

We didn't photowhore cuz like duh-uh I'm not the photowhoring type haha! okay no actually, cuz my camera's dead, and it's lousy 3.2megapixels anw. That's equivalent to coach's handphone, what a lousy spoilt camera I have.

Oh yeah school's out (for some time already) and I pity those that still have school haha, but
here are some photos of 308'07! It's been a nice year with three eight really x)





oh yeah and this photo was taken after the skipping perf for ODT.



I want photos!
haven't got all the photos from skipping yet and the many many photos from lead camp. haha i want ballz of fury photos!

Saturday, November 10, 2007 . 9:23 PM

Events almost the same, looking at it from a different perspective, I see so much more.
And that was what i saw during the squashchalet-farewell. I felt like I learnt alot about others and about myself for the past few days, and truth to be told, it's tiring. It's rewarding and discouraging at the same time. Rewarding because I saw so much good in many people, like how some were caring, initiated and willing to compromise. And I realize there are so many people in Rgsquash that I'm so grateful to have. Then of course there are always multiple sides to things, and there were the downs. But there's little meaning in dwelling on the imperfections of others and myself, there would always be. I'm glad I watched and learnt though.

It's natural that i reflect on stuff, and having a joint blog stopped me from turning these thoughts into words, inappropriate that it was. This is better x)

Lately i've been coming out of everything feeling so flawed. It stems from not being able to be myself in front of people, perhaps because who I am isn't who I want to be. Not that I've tried, but if I were to be myself, I think I would probably be the last person anyone would wanna hang out with. Too moody and cynical. I try to be everything to everyone, to get things done without anyone being unhappy. And I never succeed. Truth is I have no idea how to be everything to everyone, or to keep that smile on everyone's faces. I'm too inadequate to do things well, and i end up feeling like I'm getting pushed around. when they are pressurizing situations when everyone's stressed, I can't work any magic to alleviate the stress, and end up just feeling like everyone's punching bag. I don't wanna be grouchy or dominating or a party pooper, and I try not to be, but I guess I'm just not good enough at it.

The more good I see in others, the more I feel inadequate, and the more I try to be like that when I'm not. The more flaws I see in others, the more I try hard NEVER to be like that, and I always end up trying too hard.

All these matter to me especially now, when everyone's changing so fast and the people that I've come to care about slip away from me like sand through my fingers. Suddenly friends that I once shared everything are as close as strangers and I have nothing to blame for it. Except myself.

I wanted to call a friend on the phone today,
to ask her to just go out and waste our time away like we used to. But I couldn't even pick up the phone, because I was too scared of what I was going to hear. Before I called, in my mind her reluctant and tired voice played over and over again. She would agree, so reluctantly. And I would tell her that it was okay I'd rather not go out today, then she would get grumpy and tell me irately that we should just go.
And I know that I'll never dare to dial that number that I'd long ago memorized.

I keep trying to find out what went wrong but all I found was apathy.
I've lost friends before because I wasn't a good enough friend or a good enough person, and feeling so helpless really sucked. I can't deal with helplessness.

~
Broken - by lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose,
they're still looking for life