Saturday, November 10, 2007 . 9:23 PM

Events almost the same, looking at it from a different perspective, I see so much more.
And that was what i saw during the squashchalet-farewell. I felt like I learnt alot about others and about myself for the past few days, and truth to be told, it's tiring. It's rewarding and discouraging at the same time. Rewarding because I saw so much good in many people, like how some were caring, initiated and willing to compromise. And I realize there are so many people in Rgsquash that I'm so grateful to have. Then of course there are always multiple sides to things, and there were the downs. But there's little meaning in dwelling on the imperfections of others and myself, there would always be. I'm glad I watched and learnt though.

It's natural that i reflect on stuff, and having a joint blog stopped me from turning these thoughts into words, inappropriate that it was. This is better x)

Lately i've been coming out of everything feeling so flawed. It stems from not being able to be myself in front of people, perhaps because who I am isn't who I want to be. Not that I've tried, but if I were to be myself, I think I would probably be the last person anyone would wanna hang out with. Too moody and cynical. I try to be everything to everyone, to get things done without anyone being unhappy. And I never succeed. Truth is I have no idea how to be everything to everyone, or to keep that smile on everyone's faces. I'm too inadequate to do things well, and i end up feeling like I'm getting pushed around. when they are pressurizing situations when everyone's stressed, I can't work any magic to alleviate the stress, and end up just feeling like everyone's punching bag. I don't wanna be grouchy or dominating or a party pooper, and I try not to be, but I guess I'm just not good enough at it.

The more good I see in others, the more I feel inadequate, and the more I try to be like that when I'm not. The more flaws I see in others, the more I try hard NEVER to be like that, and I always end up trying too hard.

All these matter to me especially now, when everyone's changing so fast and the people that I've come to care about slip away from me like sand through my fingers. Suddenly friends that I once shared everything are as close as strangers and I have nothing to blame for it. Except myself.

I wanted to call a friend on the phone today,
to ask her to just go out and waste our time away like we used to. But I couldn't even pick up the phone, because I was too scared of what I was going to hear. Before I called, in my mind her reluctant and tired voice played over and over again. She would agree, so reluctantly. And I would tell her that it was okay I'd rather not go out today, then she would get grumpy and tell me irately that we should just go.
And I know that I'll never dare to dial that number that I'd long ago memorized.

I keep trying to find out what went wrong but all I found was apathy.
I've lost friends before because I wasn't a good enough friend or a good enough person, and feeling so helpless really sucked. I can't deal with helplessness.

~
Broken - by lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose,
they're still looking for life