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And my heart said hey now

2008-05-14T00:18:00.000+08:00

Hmm. Just didn't want to go to sleep. So I'm blogging now.

Last Night - Ryan Cabrera

Can you feel the rain
Can you feel the cold surround you
You and I are the same
Perfect in our own weird way

Do you believe that things can change
Do you believe they stay the same
'Cause I don't need your light to light my way
I don't need it I'm wide awake

Last night's the last time
I'll shut my eyes
I wanna leave my best side behind when I go
I want you to know
I want you to know

Can you feel me breathe
Can you feel the heart that's beating
I'm sick and tired of feeling
The candle burn inside me

Do you believe that people change
Do you believe they stay the same
'Cause I don't need your light to light my way
I don't need it I'm wide awake

Last night's the last time
I'll shut my eyes
I wanna leave my best side behind when I go
I want you to know that last night's the last time I'll run and hide
I wanna believe I lived my life on fire when I go
I want you to know
I want you to know

Last night's the last time
I'll shut my eyes
I wanna leave my best side behind when I go
I want you to know that last night's the last time I'll run and hide
I wanna believe I lived my life on fire when I go
I want you to know

except we always woke up x)

2008-05-13T23:12:00.000+08:00

HAHA! although blogger is being stoopz again and refuses to let me upload photos, i shall just blog.
haha cuz i suddenly feel very excited about being a CAMP FACIL!
can school hols quickly come quickly come.
haha though there're really dumb stuff like open house coming up :(
Open house USED TO BE FUN.
haha cuz this year jnrs aren't in singapore. damn sad.
hmm but still. there is alot to look forward to!
though i guess i just want to like have fun during hols and stuff.
But nahhhh i'm gonna study and train and find a part time job!
yeah, i shall try to get around to doing that.
ohhh FOOD at scc yesterday was damn good. weekends were tiring. and everyday's tiring cuz it's too busyyyy!
haha but it's fun.
omg pls don't let me be some games station person or whatever crap thingy for camp. plsplspls. and omg i wanna stay up to look at stars all night and take lots of photos and be a cool camp facil! haha. okayyy plsplspls i wanna lead a group and a wish i dont get some idiot as my fellow camp facil.

2008-05-04T21:05:00.003+08:00

Mouth shut - the veronicas

Won't keep my mouth shut anymore
I've had my share of closing doors
Now I know I'm not afraid
I know exactly what you'll say
But I'm sorry it's too late

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become

I don't like endings. Guess i try to delay endings, or refuse to admit that everything has been said and done, that there's nothing else to it. I get really pissed off sometimes. Pissed off that people can change like that, so you have something better to move on to. So you might have a zillion friends, how does that make it easier for you to forget. Was looking through the photos in my computer, and i dunno, the photos seemed very real. Like they weren't photos, but moments. It's like looking at a photo and remembering everything about that moment, knowing exactly why we were smiling so happily. But the moment's long gone and i know, if we were back at the same place things are gonna be different. And i'm kinda confused. Cuz there're so many things that have happened in my life that i haven't told you about and so many things in your life that probably never crossed your mind to share with me. And I guess I want to tell you how everyone's changing so fast and how things are slipping through my fingers and you'll probably not understand because people don't leave you. I guess they all just flock to you like bees to honey. you were probably never not good enough for anyone, and you probably never hesitated to call someone cuz they might not want to talk to you. You probably never had to spend time being alone or tried to find a way to make things right. k alright i think i'll probably just take this post off soon.

Nothing that you are

2008-04-27T12:22:00.003+08:00

Omg bad weekend.
haha my handphone spoilt. damn sad omg. repair costs 200 bucks so now my dad's pissed.
and my little toe started bleeding after some woman with killer heels stepped on it when the bus jerked :( And i'm getting nowhere with revision.

It's just a feeling i get, that makes me wonder how it turned out like that.
Was in my fault that I just assumed we'd never change. Or did you just move on.
It isn't that I'm not trying to salvage this, i'm trying the only way i know how to. But you don't even care right?
It's no big deal, we never really played a big role in each other's lives, but i just thought, that we didn' t have to cuz we were past that. I know you changed, I know I don't know anything about your life and vice versa, and I know we haven't talked for ages. But I thought some things would always remain the same.
I guess i can't expect people to never move on. But sometimes i want to scream at you for being so selfish, but i can't help it if you don't ever find the need to call me for a chat, or if you don't remember my birthday, or if you see our friendship as a responsibility. like something you just have to do for the sake of it. If it is then what the heck just get out of my life.

I guess it's just another person in my life that i'm not good enough for. I'm so sick and tired of this.

And, no lah, it's not about you, whoever's reading this. cuz whoever i'm talking about would never come to my blog.

2008-04-26T12:59:00.002+08:00

I love my class!
Who knew the boring and stressful midyears period could be so fun x)
Have been staying back in school so very often. Stayed back to study with Jass and Sandy on thurs! Jass left early, but Sandy and I stayed till 9 haha. School afterhours is much better than school in the day x)

And this goes out to Mr.security guard that refused to open the school gates for me and Sandy: Omg you're such an ass.

K anyway, yesterday was emo day no.2 (emo day no.1 was last friday)
most of 408 was just emo-ing about bio results during english cuz we had a free block. Cheerup Jass! Triple T.K.A for midyears!
Anw, emoing over bio with 408 is funnaye.
Well, then i went running with Jass and Ellyn, and Mr.ong's student was running her 2.4, so he asked me to pace her. So yeah i did a good deed. Cool.
Haha then after that Jass and I were talking about like some nonsense HAHA. so we couldnt really do work, we went taka to buy doughnuts instead, and talked more nonsense. talking to Jass is fun.
haha then i spent my night talking on the phone, which beats studying bio. haha and i realized that i talk alot of nonsense, and this is like another week which went by that i think i'm a loser. haha. Anyway, thanks friend, for listening to me rant x)

Because of you

2008-04-23T01:05:00.002+08:00

hmm...suddenly felt like blogging cuz i managed to finish my R-formula worksheet without any help x) sense of accomplishment. haha.
I suddenly feel very thoughtful. About stuff. Alot of things running through my mind now, i guess it just kinda feels likes I'm getting nowhere with whatever i do.
Haha if only i could read minds x) Then I'd know the right things to do and the just right thing to say. I'm not trying to be everything to everyone, i just don't like friends to distance. I wish I could capture moments in my life, not just photos. But i guess everyone captures moments, in their memories. I was just thinking about stuff that happened in the past few years, and there're just certain moments, that i never consiously tried to remember, but I can never forget. Some stuff that i remember, are completely mundane, nothing special, but i guess there's just something significant somehow. A feeling worth remembering.

haha and midyears are coming! My studies are in a mess :(
And yesterday was such a longgggg day, so tiring.
Well, at least I had a fun weekend x)
k, i shall be really mugger from now onwards.

2008-04-19T10:20:00.002+08:00

Had quite a horrible week.
And it's one of those weeks that many things happened so Monday seemed like 5 years ago or smth.
So anyway, yesterday was one of those days that everyone was having a bad day.
At school, Jass was really stressed about stuff, cheer up JASSELYN!
And then Xian Ning and weren't in the best of moods either. We stayed back in school to jog on the track, cuz we wanted to try out 2.4, but sec 3s were taking their 2.4, so we had to run on the outer lane. Haha we had so many failed attempts trying to run during recess/lunch/after school for the entire week. Yeah well, then we did math, haha but we didn't actually do much math, cuz we just started bitching about stuff. Rawr, our lives just suck. Geez why are we the ones that get all the crap. I mean seriously, life really really sucks sometimes, and i don't even know why I can joke about it. Well yeah, it's not a joke, but i guess it's quite laughable, chasing after things that are so out of reach.

Then Sandy joined us and we did more maths and some walking around the school. And cuz the guides had their annual assembly/campfire at night, so the school was in a really festive kind of mood, with party decorations and party hats and balloons! And it just seemed like a really nice day to just hang out in school. Xn left at 7, but Sandy and I stayed back in school to hang around and kinda, do math. We ended up leaving after all the guides stuff. Haha I'm glad i hung around at school instead of going home, it would suck cuz i just wasn't in a good mood yesterday. Well, hope everyone's much more cheered up today! Though that's like, unlikely luh. School's cool x) And yeah, this was a long week, and it's only saturday morning.

Okay KohJiaWen owes me photos. Nice nice clarke Quay photos k. And i think Elaine has the OM photos. Haha and JiaWen says she uploaded the photos on facebook and I'm not gonna get them unless i go get a facebook account. And Lifang owes me alot of photos i think, like any photo we've ever taken since the last 3 1/4 years. haha okay who else owes me photos? Mabel probably does.

everything that i had to live without

2008-04-06T13:28:00.001+08:00

I'm sick and tired of being unimportant to you.
(And 'you' refers to many people)
Yeah so I'm not good enough, not someone you'd like.
I'm not good tempered enough, not selfless enough, not tall&pretty enough.
I don't say or do the right things, not fun enough, not smart enough, not nice enough.
I don't even know how I'm supposed to be, and no i can't be myself, cuz if i just be myself, I'd just be a really lousy person.

And I know I don't deserve to say all these cuz I'm not trying hard enough.
But I don't try cuz it'll never work, you don't even have to tell me that.

And because I can't stop ranting now, i'll just continue.
I hate not being able to say anything because I'm so insignificant to you.
I hate being so lousy at everything I do, and I hate being judged for it.

And I hate being so whiny about all the above because they're such small, insignificant things.

Haha and all that come over me after I watched an episode of Gossip Girl. That's so asinine.

脑海中还在旋转
望着你慢慢忘记你
朦胧的时间
我们溜了多远
冰刀划的
圈起了谁改变
如果再重来
会不会稍嫌狼狈
爱是不是不开口才珍贵

再给我两分钟
让我把记忆结成冰
别融化了眼泪
你妆都花了要我怎么记得
记得你叫我忘了吧
记得你叫我忘了吧
你说你会哭
不是因为在乎

最长的电影 - Jay Chou

At least there's you, and at least there's me

2008-04-05T01:25:00.010+08:00

Haha blogger's actually not being irritating today, so it must be a good day x)

Anyway, it was sports fest today and Sandy Choo is the coolest cheer captain ever! Haha was glad that Richard won cheer today and super impressed with Sandy!

Sandy, me and Jass!

With Sandy after Richard won cheer!

Well anyway, sports fest was quite a laugh with Jass, cuz like we kept going on and on about like JC and we just kept being insecure about like JC! Haha after sports fest Jass and I realized that we keep hanging out with each other recently, so we decided that we needed to widen our social circle! haha so we called yuhui and Ellyn, but they had a party to attend. haha whatever. But we met Sophia and Jiawen, haha so we successfully widened our social circle on the way back to Toapayoh mrt x)

Hmm oh yeah I was being weird during training in the morning, well yeah whatever. And coach was trying to talk sense into me, but i was just kinda confused. So i called Lifang at night, and like just said whatever went through my brain, haha cuz I don't even know what I'm thinking of. Was kinda hoping lifang would figure it out and like tell me what my issue is, haha but i guess it's kinda impossible considering how incoherent i was x)

k anyway, went out with Vienna and Jass for Riccioti/Rissioti? at Clarke Quay yesterday night. Haha we were so loser, walked from Clarke Quay to Boat Quay and back to Clarke Quay before we found the place. But it was worth it cuz it was half price after 9pm! haha guess what we got for $12.50 manzzz

Haha and Jass kept laughing at me and Vienna, cuz we were really lousy and getting headaches after abit of Hooch. We went to take photos before we left, well, but the photos weren't very successful, nevertheless i shall post one x)

Vienna, me and Jass!

Haha Jass blogged more about it than i did; backspacedelete.wordpress.com!

Well anyway, had training early in the morning today and I had to wake up at 5.47am. And I managed to catch the school bus at 6am. How pro is that x)

And, here's a random photo from the sleepover that was really fun.

Oh and since this is such a photo-heavy post, i should just post another one!

This is Ella and I hugging a potted plant outside the marina square toilets. haha and i'm posting it because it's her birthday soon! but the photo was like ages ago.

Haha anyway, i miss studying with Dawn, hq and jeremy for last year's end of year exams. Was telling Dawn today

Me: Hey studying with yall very effective and very relaxed. I scored really well for the subjects that I studied with yall!
Dawn: really ah, i scored very badly. you guys too distracting.
Me: haha did my stupid chem questions distract you?
Dawn: what questions did you ask? i forgot
Me: ummm i remember asking if ethanol was an element.

Then Dawn gave me THE look and she'll probably reconsider studying with me haha.

Anyway, i keep feeling kinda weird these days, like my brain's all foggy and i'm acting weirdly and saying the stupidest things. Can't seem to focus in anything I do, and I just can't take anything seriously. Haha hope it's just a passing phase x)

2008-03-25T20:14:00.001+08:00

Josiah Leming - Her

Car door's frozen
I can't get to you
Your window's open
The cold air's pouring through
Your bones are broken
The belt won't let you loose
And i'm left hoping
That you might wake up soon

I just stand and watch as they pull you from another world
Unraveling twisted plots, oh i wish you were another girl

And i'll set the world on fire
Cause i could not satisfy her

Empty hallways
You can't get to me
Open doorways
But you're still searching for your keys
And i can't open
The ears for which i sing
So i'll just pass along
And baby you'll start to hear me

You just sit and stare as if i'm from another land
In your comfortable chair, oh i wish i were another man

And i'll set the world on fire
Cause i could not satisfy her

Satisfaction seems to be
The key that turns, the air we breathe
It brings us now so confidently crawling on our knees
So you try to satisfy the hours
But you're ignorance won't fight the fires
And your innocence can't kill desire
So you're not as perfect as you seem to be

I suddenly feel really moody, and I have no idea why. Okay I kinda know why.
Anyway, that aside, nats this year seemed really unspectacular. haha okay la most of our matches over already, shalln't care if what i say sounds demoralizing. but it feels less of a big deal than like last year and 2 years ago. okay whatever.

Can't stand it how some people are so fricking lucky and they don't even know it. They're just not satisfied, and that's like reallllly irritating. Like ugh just go kill yourself. Seriously, that's damn irritating. okay, that was damn random. ugh the more i blog, the more i suck at blogging.

Josiah Leming

2008-03-23T21:01:00.000+08:00

omgoshhhh! Josiah Leming from American idol season 7 is the love!
okay so he didn't make top 24, what the heck it doesn't matter, Warner music signed him on and omgosh he has he own single x)
Okay and I did like him cuz he's cute, but I wasn't fangirling over him, but omgosh after listening to his songs on youtube, omgosh he's super talented.

Okay go watch this: Josiah performing grace kelly on American Idol x)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4aILqjzKAU&NR=1

And this: Josiah performing his own composition, To run
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISFOnGbCyeA

And okay here's why i really like Josiah Leming so much:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lbjc3ypUfO4
Josiah Leming - Her
The song's really well composed, and he sings it really well, but besides that, the lyrics are practically poetry! I love the lyrics! He's crazily talented.

so this is how it ends

2008-03-22T20:26:00.003+08:00

Cold as you - Taylor Swift

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take
You take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want
Cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending give to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counted all the scars you made
Now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Everyone cares for the people or things that're important to them, but forget that they might be important to someone else. And it's so true isn't it. It's hard to move on, but no one cares if it's harder on the people that're forgotten. Is it silly to place importance in something or someone that never placed the same importance in you? Whatever, this post is incoherent.

Slow dancing in a burning room

2008-03-12T01:35:00.003+08:00

Am tired.
Reached home past midnight today, and would have loved to stay out longer. but damn, got training tmr (as in today).
Holidays past damn fast no time no time.
And I seriously suck.
As in, someone has to like shake some sense into me, or like make my brain work.
I fell ASLEEP next to the oven when baking yesterday. And cuz the oven has no timer, my cookies baked for 2 hours. And when i woke up, my house was filled with smoke.
And the oven was burnt.
And i spent today morning doing damage control, which does not seem to help my house still stinks of burnt cookies.
And my mum made me go see the doc for smoke inhalation.
The doc was terribly amused.
And my clothes STINK and I can't wash the smell out of my hair.
But I think I should count my blessings. Hey at least I woke up when I did, and the oven didn't explode or anything drastic like that.
Yeah well, after all the hectic activity of today, I went to the doc before my match and well, I'm so off form these days. I need to fix my brain.
I think even Jacq's less lag than me nowadays.
Ahh crap, don't like coming home cuz I'm a horrible daughter, and I get nagged at all the time.

Oh anyway,
Happy Birthday Felicia!

Went for Fish & Co with El, Sandy, Jass and the birthday girl today x)
And we didn't get to take a polaroid. oh whatever, had fun anyway x)
Okay I shall upload the photos tomorrow, too lazy to find the USB cable now.

Oh yeah, and Monday spending practically the whole day with teamates was fun. Haha ate alot of good food on that day. Mabel is damn funny, someone should give her a prize. Mabel and I always get excited on Monday nights, and that is just weird. Oh yeah Jacq was my idol on Monday, just for being Jacq. Jacq's fun when she's in a crazy mood, and her crazy mood is really subtle. Her really crazy mood is probably comparable to how TianYi is like when she's sedated.

okay it's past 2am and I need to go SLEEP and hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow less disoriented. Seriously, my brain needs to come back from its holiday.

SLEEPOVER

2008-03-09T11:45:00.000+08:00

Had sleepover.

This is Jasselyn
cause Jodee says that I need to write my name!
Okay anw, Jodee Lee is the funniest person ever and I Love her alot! We had alot of fun yesterday and she was really high yesterday which was really great cause she couldn't stop bouncing like a penguin!
And I like Jodee alot who is really funny but really intellectual and insightful at the same time & I like talking to her especially when she has funny jokes like Mr Caterpillar!

Heh this is Juan
I think after today I'm going to appreciate Jodee so much more because she is so funny and adorable. Haha maybe it's because she is having mood swings but anyway she made us super happy all through sleepover. Heh and all of them here are damn weird, so it's super amusing :D WE ARE GOING TO HAVE ICE CREAM SOON! AND BRUNCH TOGETHER! But bottomline, Juan loves Jodee super alot, because she makes me look forward to school. :D

HI! THIS IS JODEE NOW!
Haha and Felicia's computer has spell check, so it makes me realize that i cannot spell 'embarassing' and 'critisize'. and for those that think i spelt those words correctly, i didn't. Anyway, sleepover was so fun! and i had a long long chat with Jass, and it's damn nice to talk to her! and Felicia is a polar bear, her room is freezing and she says she's hot. Haha i wanted to have an emo post kay, but like Flea, Jass and Juan are sun bright and shiny people, i'm happy now. And did i mention i was having such crazzzzy mood swings yesterday. And Felicia went anti-social and drank XO yesterday and Daoeeed all of us. And she refuses to guest blog, this is so saddening :( Oh I only have ONE photo :( waiting for Juan to send me all photos from her cam!

Juan and Felicia!

Haha this is dumb i only have one photo of the slpovr in my handphone that isn't blurred or dark. okay must must have the photos in Juan's cam soon x) I suddenly feel a surge of loveeeee for these people, they're all such wonderful, funny, amazing people! I'm so glad to have known all of them, they make going to school worthwhile and so so much more bearable. And here are some photos from a month ago,

Dinner at NewyorkNewyork!

Jass, Ellyn and me! The rest were late, and El makes a funny face. haha.

Have been stressed out lately, but I'm so glad for my friends, makes life so much happier. And when I think I have it bad, at least I have great friends to hang out with, to talk to, and just knowing they're there and learning from each of them cuz they're all such amazing people. I hope I get to keep all my friends forever, and I hope they don't change and I never ever want to lose another friend again.

And what I want this holiday, I want to hang with Dawn and Ella! One entire day. 24hours together. Is that too much to ask?

And I wanna hang out with MichelleChan! I miss her so much :( Nevermind I'll see her tomorrow!

And I want everything to be alright.

These things i'll never say

2008-03-07T22:36:00.003+08:00

Cold as you - Taylor Swift

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take
You take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want
Cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending give to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counted all the scars you made
Now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you.

~
This is all the past, but somehow i've never put it behind me. It started going wrong when it felt like what I was feeling, what made me unhappy seemed so silly and stupid. Then I bottled it all up and kept it away because things happened and I didn't have the liberty to be weak and silly anymore. I wanted to be someone you could rely on, but all you saw was that I changed into someone hateful. And now when it's way too late for explanations, I find the words to say.

And no, I couldn't expect you to understand, but I didn't realize that in time. I tried very hard to become someone better, to keep up with you maybe. But I failed terribly and it all came down to nothing. And no, I wouldn't expect you know how hard I tried because its true, I didn't get anywhere. To you, it just looks like I did nothing but get more frustrated and less likeable.

It got so stupid after awhile, when I would be the only one blaming myself and spending hours on end brooding over stuff that you didn't give a shit about. I didn't know how to cope with it and like the incompetent person i am, I got angry and I started hating. And it was my fault again, just like how it has always been. Because I couldn't be the better person.

You may think you're above this, you might even know what I'm talking about. But I bet you never knew how much difference it would have made to me if you had just thanked me for trying. Or tried to assure me that I was doing alright. You never thought that maybe I just needed some approval, or that the self-righteous things you said actually cut much deeper that you intended it to.

I'll never admit that I care so much, because it would all just be nothing to you again, wouldn't it?
And I'm not good enough to give without expecting anything back in return.

There. I just wrote another load of crap that means alot to me but nothing to you.

2008-01-24T00:19:00.001+08:00

I like people that aren't superficial.
Because I think they're amazing to be able to be that way.
Wow.
It's something im not, i admit.
I'm not someone real, or true to myself.
I'm not someone that can face who I am, or can be contented with who I am.
How can I expect that quality in my friends when I can't be that way either.
And what should I do when I start doubting close friendships, to the extent that I believe more in others.
It's weird how care and love cannot be requited but is given so readily.
But yet I change my mind so quickly on things that it's just not safe to judge anything anymore.

2007-12-30T12:27:00.000+08:00

My cast is removed, but i still can't walk properly and finally i can get back some control over my own life but that's the hard part i guess.
There were many things i planned for this holiday, that i never did get to do. This year was really interesting, many things happened that changed my perspective completely, and made me want alot more out of my life than what I have. And when the holidays came I had alot to look forward too. I really wanted to use this holiday to move on, and i was more than willing to leave certain people or certain things behind. I never liked change but then when it seemed like it was all starting to work out, I had to go fracture my ankle. It's really frustrating because there were things that I just started on and things that I was psyched to get started with and it wasn't easy for me to get over some of my own issues. And new stuff, they don't have any strong foundations to stop them from crumbling, so they just crumble. And I don't even get to go back to square one and start over again, I go further back than that. What really gets to me is the unfairness of all of this. Why is it that when I finally make some progress, this happens. I was quite relaxed when i was in a cast. No one had any expectations of me and I didn't expect myself to do anything either. Yet when I finally get to remove my cast I start hating how I never moved on from when I fractured my ankle. All the expectations come back, much much much worse than before. Because now I have to worry about recovering as quickly as possible, and to do more than a month's worth of catching up. Before the whole fracturing my ankle thing, I used to think that as long as do my best for something, I would be able to acheive it, and even if i don't, I would be satisfied. But now I'm not so sure anymore. It could be easy to recover from this though, but that's not in my own hands.

2007-12-10T23:07:00.000+08:00

Should've blogged a long time ago.
I blog about silly things but don't blog about something blogworthy like fracturing my ankle. Must admit it's not a very bright and shiny topic to blog about. I'm currently wasting away every precious second of my life at home. This is the worst holiday of my life i swear. This sucks cause perpetually staying at home feels like the whole world is out there spinning around and everyone's caught up in their own stuff and im at home doing absolutelyfrickingnothing. This feels like prison. Okay it's kinda relaxing to not have to think of anything or have to do anything, but this is bordering on being a vegetable.

Yeps whatever, I think I'm sposed to get something out of this whole leg in a cast thing. But it's so boring that my senses are overwhelmed by boredom. okay i can't think of anything else but boredom. And that of course, it's not fair that this is happening to me. But then again, many people have it worse. Sitting around in the house for the past 3 weeks have been getting to me, i'm just afraid that I wouldn't recover from this. An entire month is precious time lost for going out with friends, for training, for catching up on fun. That might sound ridiculous but yknow there's just this fear that after I get back to my friends, we wouldn't have the same camaraderie. And of course there's the obvious fear that my leg would not recover its strength. Okay actually i have the answer to that already. Doc said my ankle would regain its original strength in 9months. that's damn screwed.

And about squash, I just don't want to think about it. Just thinking about all the work that has to be done after i remove my cast so that i can resume training. It'll take really long just for my leg to be strong enough to resume training, and that's just light training. I haven't been giving it much thought, but theres alot of stress. Maybe it stress that i put on myself, maybe it's simply the responsibility. At least I've learnt recently, that there's nothing to prove. I need to be able to look back and know that I've done everything I can, and that'll have to be enough for everyone.

I think I realize now that I've never been appreciative. I don't appreciate the things that I have, but I dwell on things that I don't, and I spend too much time being miserable about what I don't have. Then there's the thing about feeling unappreciated. It's stupid to want reciprocation or acknowledgement for the things I do. Because I know I'd do it all the same. And when people are apathetic, I shouldn't feel that I have the right to be apathetic too. It's not something that should be passed on. Like how i shouldn't feel that i have the right to be cranky just cause im in a cast.

In retrospect, there are alot of things that I can learn from being in a cast. like discipline, acceptance, emphaty, tolerance etc etc. and hopping.

2007-11-15T09:52:00.000+08:00

I have new resolutions!
I'm going on a diet, yep. I'm going to eat more healthily, and cut down on sugar and fried food, ~~but I'll allow myself plenty of exceptions~~
And I'm going to be less lazy and start doing some running. I must be the single laziest person on earth. Mere handphone alarms and my mum just can't wake me up anymore. I've perfected the art of sleeptalking my mum to leave me alone. She'll ask me to get up cuz I'm late for trng and I'll tell her that I've decided not to train today. And she'll say you can't just decide like that and I'll tell her yes I can I'm not training today. Then I continue sleeping like a big fat pig. That happened like, today. But at least I trained alot ystrday, okay I didn't. i just spent alot of time at hume, but that doesn't necessarily equate to training alot. And I'm aching all over and my flu has made a comeback.

2007-11-13T00:36:00.000+08:00

Today was kinda cool.

Went out with jnrs to sentosa after trng, which was impromptu.

Somehow whenever i go to sentosa it's always impromptu, planning just seriously doesn't work.

And i lost my shoebag but caught a flu. Or actually, i had a flu since chalet, but it worsened today i guess. Then went to watch gameplan, haha i have no idea how the jnrs can find it hilarious, imo it's kinda boring. But it was fun cuz the jnrs were fun haha. They are like total camwhores. seriously. They should consider a career in photography or err modelling ~~(but that would be terrifying)~~

Anyway, I shall kope a photo from the jnrs' blog since I find this photo really funny cuz of what hui tianyi is doing.

Haha michellekwek uploaded so few photos on the blog la, i rmb her taking much more photos.

Went to meet Brenda after that and it's been such a long time since we've really talked. Talking to her feels good because our lives don't really involve the same things so we feel free to tell each other anything and everything. It's nice to talk to her, but our dinner kinda became a chatting session comparing our misfortunes, which i must admit, mine pale in comparison to hers. Aww, cheer up brenda!

We didn't photowhore cuz like duh-uh I'm not the photowhoring type haha! okay no actually, cuz my camera's dead, and it's lousy 3.2megapixels anw. That's equivalent to coach's handphone, what a lousy spoilt camera I have.

Oh yeah school's out (for some time already) and I pity those that still have school haha, but
here are some photos of 308'07! It's been a nice year with three eight really x)

oh yeah and this photo was taken after the skipping perf for ODT.

I want photos!
haven't got all the photos from skipping yet and the many many photos from lead camp. haha i want ballz of fury photos!

2007-11-10T21:23:00.000+08:00

Events almost the same, looking at it from a different perspective, I see so much more.
And that was what i saw during the squashchalet-farewell. I felt like I learnt alot about others and about myself for the past few days, and truth to be told, it's tiring. It's rewarding and discouraging at the same time. Rewarding because I saw so much good in many people, like how some were caring, initiated and willing to compromise. And I realize there are so many people in Rgsquash that I'm so grateful to have. Then of course there are always multiple sides to things, and there were the downs. But there's little meaning in dwelling on the imperfections of others and myself, there would always be. I'm glad I watched and learnt though.

It's natural that i reflect on stuff, and having a joint blog stopped me from turning these thoughts into words, inappropriate that it was. This is better x)

Lately i've been coming out of everything feeling so flawed. It stems from not being able to be myself in front of people, perhaps because who I am isn't who I want to be. Not that I've tried, but if I were to be myself, I think I would probably be the last person anyone would wanna hang out with. Too moody and cynical. I try to be everything to everyone, to get things done without anyone being unhappy. And I never succeed. Truth is I have no idea how to be everything to everyone, or to keep that smile on everyone's faces. I'm too inadequate to do things well, and i end up feeling like I'm getting pushed around. when they are pressurizing situations when everyone's stressed, I can't work any magic to alleviate the stress, and end up just feeling like everyone's punching bag. I don't wanna be grouchy or dominating or a party pooper, and I try not to be, but I guess I'm just not good enough at it.

The more good I see in others, the more I feel inadequate, and the more I try to be like that when I'm not. The more flaws I see in others, the more I try hard NEVER to be like that, and I always end up trying too hard.

All these matter to me especially now, when everyone's changing so fast and the people that I've come to care about slip away from me like sand through my fingers. Suddenly friends that I once shared everything are as close as strangers and I have nothing to blame for it. Except myself.

I wanted to call a friend on the phone today,
to ask her to just go out and waste our time away like we used to. But I couldn't even pick up the phone, because I was too scared of what I was going to hear. Before I called, in my mind her reluctant and tired voice played over and over again. She would agree, so reluctantly. And I would tell her that it was okay I'd rather not go out today, then she would get grumpy and tell me irately that we should just go.
And I know that I'll never dare to dial that number that I'd long ago memorized.

I keep trying to find out what went wrong but all I found was apathy.
I've lost friends before because I wasn't a good enough friend or a good enough person, and feeling so helpless really sucked. I can't deal with helplessness.

~
Broken - by lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose,
they're still looking for life